I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
