I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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