everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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