you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
