Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize