i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize