Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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