I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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