So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
