you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
