I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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