I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
