im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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