If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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