one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
