pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
one might say we're banned from that church
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
