I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
