y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
