Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
