peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So. Much. Porn.
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