The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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