what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
