Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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