i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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