If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Randomize
