I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
