you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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