First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
