Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
