Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
