i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
