i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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