So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
