I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
