just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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