A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ttyl tear gas
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
