I cockslap morals
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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