I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
