was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
