Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
