i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
