you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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