i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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