I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
