Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
