Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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