Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
