Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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