there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
