Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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