I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
