i used baking grease as lip gloss
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
