Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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