they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
