That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
