remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
