I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
