How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
