now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
