Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
