I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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