I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
