Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
