Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
