did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
